Just Grace.
The truth of our being is simply this process of flowing change. Everything is impermanent. Nothing is worth grasping because nothing lasts…it is like clouds moving through the sky. Knowing that nothing is secure, that there is no solid place on which to stand, we can let go, let be, and come to rest.” The Heart of Wisdom
I suppose I have always known, on some level, that my golden-retriever/barnacle tendencies lead me down the path of looking to others for fulfillment (you know: for fun, pleasure, intellectual stimulation, security…all those things). I just chalked it up to “that’s just how I am.” I was the “social butterfly,” according to every teacher I’d ever had. Alright, I’m an extrovert…so what? It wasn’t until recently that I recognized that this tendency I have could be sort-of problematic. First: logistically it’s sort of difficult to constantly be in company Second: it’s quite an exhausting role to ask those who are in my life to fill (the role of constant company and fulfillment). Third: It turns out that it’s actually impossible for anyone to know exactly what you need, when you need it, and how you need it (though moms, dogs, sisters, and best friends get pretty damn close). I suppose my point is quite simple: I can control myself, and no one else. I can’t make anyone show me love or affection just when I need it, or say the right things when I need to hear them, I can’t possibly expect that every bad day will be made right by someone else, or that someone else’s appreciation of me would ever be enough. I’m not discounting the power and the necessity of companionship and love and social bonds. But I also fully understand, perhaps now more than ever before, just how impermanent relationships are. By nature, human relationships are volatile. “The truth of our being is simply this process of flowing change. Everything is impermanent. Nothing is worth grasping because nothing lasts…it is like clouds moving through the sky. Knowing that nothing is secure, that there is no solid place on which to stand, we can let go, let be, and come to rest.” It’s exhausting to chase down those fantasies of perfect relationships: those connections and interactions that will complete [you], because it is impossible.
I have this whole new found sense of self-reliance. It is proving to be the most comforting, stable relationship that I’ve ever had.
The other night: I was getting ready to meet up with friends, and I was listening to a wonderful mix of songs, dancing and singing and laughing. It sort of surprised me: I was having fun all by myself. Like a lot of fun. It had never occurred to me before, that that might be important (to be able to have fun all by my lonesome). It sounds sort of schizophrenic, but maybe it isn’t all that crazy…isn’t that sort of what Christopher McCandless is looking for in Into the Wild? And, (because I can’t go one blog post without referring to her/quoting her) it certainly is what Elizabeth Gilbert is looking for and discovers on her journey in Eat Pray Love.
I love how, in Buddhist and Yogic teachings the Self is referred to with a Capitol “S.” It is given importance and reference as though it were a name. The Self is the light within each of us. Relationship with your Self is crucial, simply because, your Self is always gonna be there. You can’t guarantee you’ll always have someone else…but you can bet that you will always have you. That much I know for certain.
